lyrics
depression is a young persons art form
i can’t believe i’ve hit rock bottom again
i am so ashamed
your idea of friendship
is bullshit and leaves me pained
i know it’s over
although it over-ran
you got me all wrong again eh ?
i go on as a loner
i came as i am
but you just couldn’t handle one day
the selfishness of being a slut
leaves me utter cold
your feelings i felt sporadically
is not enough for me to hold
i love it, the shoes on the
other foot now and you’ve
just showed me how vacant &
self centred you really are.
don’t you care or even
remember all the things
i’ve done for you in the past ?
thanks for nothing.
before my fall
i had a dependent free day
yesterday but today has seen
nothing at all go right
what does that tell me ?
i really do need to sort
it out. i cannot go on
being a laughing stock.
i have an image
to upkeep but the reality
is that that is all
based on farce.
oh john, i’m so ashamed.
i wish you every happiness
but i’m not going to like this at all
too proud to leave the house, i think
pride becomes before my fall
nothing’s ever easy is it ? nothing.
i’ve wanted something like this
for a long time and now it’s
actually happening other things
are in the way and i really
don’t know what to do. the
long and the short of it is
that ultimately i will destroy
it, if it doesn’t destroy me first.
when steve sang “i’ve made it
my life’s work to be the worst
at everything i’ve ever tried”
he couldn’t have been more
right.
sometimes i’m ashamed to be quite normal
you partake in life
as if it were a game
it isn’t
a person shouldn’t play
at being so lame
effervescent ?
what do people do
for the rest of the time
if they’re not being themselves
when they go outside ?
sorry if i seem to sound too formal
but sometimes i’m ashamed to be quite normal
think for a minute
is it a real laugh ?
just existing
a weekend is just
2 more days of the week
reciprocating ?
we couldn’t stand up
i think more than that
self expression ?
stand back and shout
keeping it to yourself
life’s a lesson
if this is all i can be
then metaphorically
i’m just normal
dry my tears to see
there is more to me
will i ? won’t i ?
will i ? won’t i ?
what do i want ?
will i ? won’t i ?
do what i want ?
will i ? won’t i ?
be me today ?
if i’m not
what will i say ?
will i ? won’t i ?
accept or refuse ?
if accept
i will proclaim to be obtuse
will it ? won’t it ?
answer my question ?
which was
a being human proposition
will i ? won’t i ?
root in inept ?
the rhetorical
is so loosely stepped
will i ? won’t i ?
see through the day
if i do
what lies in the way ?
old enough to know better
a kiss is just a kiss
old enough to better
burden myself on someone
she’s too coarse and i’m too inconsideratehe’s too real and i’m too desperate
i’m too sensitive and self absorbed
he’s too realistic and everyday honest
i’m at the end of my tether and bored
he’s making his own way forward
loving you is easy, it’s liking you that’s hard
it really wouldn’t be fair to
burden myself on someone
again would it ?
i don’t know how i’m going to react tomorrow
i don’t know how i’m going to react today
i don’t know and it’s the not knowing
really rips into me, makes me turn to drink
i don’t know how i’ll feel tomorrow
i don’t know what i want today
i’m a headstone for a dying generation
a broken being that don’t need “ahh’s”
it’s called a problematic disorder
but the problems ain’t so far
postcard notebook
you said there’s no such place as home
well that’s probably because you’ve got mine
i hope you die in an m3 pile up
and your last words are more of your lying
people may hold you with the utmost respect
but you’re really the lowest of the low
your true colours are starting to run ‘my friend’
so just watch my feelings grow
i’ll put a brave face on
and repeat i’ll survive
with my keys to the world
knowing i can’t drive
when does a situation
become a situation when i don’t care ?
everyone knows where i am
but nobody knows i’m here
i’m a certain age but i’m younger
and no intentions are clear
drivel, dribble, it’s a mess
i’m ashamed of all this, dear
the man, myself
the destructive engineer
so, why does everything mean
so much to me when this
the written word
texts, note and emails to me
say nothing like what comes out of your mouthif somebody feels something, write it down
an actual act not an un-thought about spout
you’re not really a friend are you ?
your best friend is only you
you are owed something by the world
you’ve got to cry here as well as hue
i’ve been nice to you
i thought you were someone else !
who does that make me ?
i’m alone
but for how long ?
ultimately i will change
when you are around
who does that make me ?
this much talent
judgement day
is today
i have to try and look on the bright side
fear’s away
i look grey
i need to get over what’s been implied
why does no-one in this
world have the decency
to tell things as they are
instead of skirting
around the issues and
ultimately making things
worse ?
what a way
to antiquate
i want to sit and wish my life past
no more play
nowt to say
i hope that i am going to go fast
you’ve seen me at my most
vulnerable but i wonder
if you’d actually remember
that
passed away ?
meant to stay ?
i tried to stray from the right path
i passed today
smile to pray ?
treasure it because you care, natasha
my luck ran out
the day i got 4 numbers
because it was also the day
i said those words to you
the seven year itch ?!
that’s a joke isn’t it ?!
i’ve not won anything since
and i don’t hope to
treasure it because you care,
natasha
the downstairs
the fickleness of youth
is definitely now missing
the temptation of christ
is eating me whole
i know i’ll never have
a relationship in my life
i’ve worked hard on who i am
but i have no soul
you say it isn’t about me
but paradoxically i think it is
has it really reached this point ?
to someone, i’m sorry
i’m failing
here i am
sitting at the must stop
wishing i was somewhere else
two-headed coin
i tried to make you understand
i wanted to help you think
but invariably you ignored me
because i incoherently drink
i pried but i’m different now
though it makes no sense to see
it’s on, it’s off, i’m on again
and i didn’t say that it’s me
i’m better, i’m bitter
i’m a two-headed coin
a belter, nail biter
i’m a two-headed coin
oh yeah, what’s normal then ?
a flick of the switch and i change
i mean, do i look alright ?
is it bravado ? is it really so strange ?
deed poll is not needed here
i’ll wobble while sitting on fences
the name and head are here to stay
you were right
i was sort of alright ‘til you told me you’d slept with him
you were right
you must have thought i was really shallow and stuff
you were right
when you called me an indulgent alcoholic
you were right
but you were only right ‘cos i was indulgent
after we’d had that fight
i’ve never been stopped for a glass of wine before
you were right
that was so nice and massive, the words you said to me
you were right
when i was alone
i knew i had the throne
‘cos i’m the baby like a runt
you were right
let me give you a touch
john’s not mad
why is that people who are
perceived as normal, or everyday
if you will, can go about their
everyday business as if everything
is normal. it is not.
i haven’t written anything for
absolutely aeons and yet the
only time i feel the need to
do so is when i’m surrounded
by everyday happenings in a
situation that i really would
leave me alone
i think it’s broken
beyond repair
i think about you
but i don’t care
regular sightings
make me sick
to the stomach
hit by a brick
i have to change
i have to move
to avoid the constant
need to prove
i hope you go
but know you won’t
the ever present
sinks my boat
another day
strays the same
tired of running
set my alarm for 7
i’ve never been encouraged
to follow all my dreams
i’ve just been taught
that we’ve never bought
anything not what it seems
just get up, get out, get on with it
don’t try what you please
should be why i should be out there
screaming all my pleas
i’ve never fulfilled my potential
never have and probably will
leaving it in the hands of the deceased
will see me overspill
i’ll never be enveloped in
pure secrecy
i haven’t been elsewhere tonight
i’ve been right here at home
and felt the cold air on my face
i’m back now, oh wow
a year without a trace
i’m buffing around
eye’d without a grace
i’ve always been in control of my life
but this so much larger than lifemy chemistry
two hundred yards downstream the bed sinks
you’re hiding your head
and i’m too scared to think
about all the things
that make me such a deprived go-getter
the destruction’s over now
but that really cannot make it better
i came to yesterday
to find out i’d not moved from a to b
but i’m an assailant
of my chemistry
what would i say ?
if i thought i was happy ?
this is all i’ve ever needed
but has my psyche
over-ridden itself
and what matters
been superseded ?
i fall for it more
when i walk the mile
it’s proved reactions of grandeur
i’ve found my goal
i’ve found my world
nil by mouth
to you,
on the day that you threw away
everything we ever stood for
have you ever felt alive
in a light fingered car ?
there’s a fucking big shadow of me
drinking on the wall
my brother died
my sister may be afar
yes, see
i’ve just got to have him
i need the buzz don’t i ?
unless you sort yourself out
we can’t be friends
there’s every reason that i
take the piss out of myself
my god i lied
sensitive but a bit of a ‘rong ‘un
i may be odd but i have a bottle opener
r u awake ?
i’m going to beat myself up
r u at home and awake ?
my life revolves around a song
(and dance). shall we ?
you say god saves but you ain’t no human being
be nice to me
i’ve got a massive ego, stroke it
can you get any ?
why don’t you cheer up mr. miserable ?
you look like special needs
why do you always try and force things ?
stupid what ?
at a time when i’m at my
most paranoid, to have
something happen to a close
friend of mine and then find
that something else has
happened within spitting
distance of where i live in the
same weekend. it’s got to
mean the end for me. almost
a year since it started, my
paranoia really has reached it’s peak.
why is it i can only feel
at ease around people who
know at least a little bit
about me ?
this prevents me meeting ‘new’
people and makes me put up a
huge barrier whenever i come
into contact with anyone who
doesn’t know anything about me.
the not knowing
you’ve got me on my toes
that’s for sure
but inevitably it’s that not knowing
that will be the death of me
part of me actually
really likes it
because i’m inherently so not like that
but is the change actually good for me ?
really ?
okay, so it’s been 3 this year
that i’ve been to
but it still doesn’t alleviate my fears and phobias
about these kind of things
they may have all been different
to each others
but they still boil down to the same thing
life expectancy
this is the song
this is the song
the only way i can
admit to being
less of a man
if i could tell you what’s wrong
i wouldn’t be a poet nor this a song
and you wouldn’t want to hear it anyway
this is the song
saying i am you
unintentionally brave
but wanting to brew
this is the song
not wanting to end
the space between us
perfecting the blend
an old man who looks like
he’s at death’s door has said
the not knowing
you’ve got me on my toes
that’s for sure
but inevitably it’s that not knowing
that will be the death of me
part of me actually
really likes it
because i’m inherently so not like that
but is the change actually good for me ?
really ?
okay, so it’s been 3 this year
that i’ve been to
but it still doesn’t alleviate my fears and phobias
about these kind of things
they may have all been different
to each others
but they still boil down to the same thing
life expectancy
life ? expectancy ?
too much, too drunk
i’m getting carried away this time
it reminds me of 1986
a pub, myself
and the ‘light’ is performing tricks
too much of what makes me interesting
is either illegal or destructive
too much of what makes me a person
is laughable
too much of me is really one dimensional
however, too much of me is me
there’s a car outside the school today
and i’ve gone back to 1978
a few yards down and there’s the house
where i first tried to mate
i smiled and even
said goodbye
i hate myself